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Observing, Assessing and Evaluating Crazy Me:
One of Those "Cries for 'Help'"
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Even More 'Fun'
I thought it might be even more ‘fun’ for the locals to get right into my personal space in a way that would not be possible for them to do just by pushing and shoving their way in, and then passing all they can get along as interpretive gossip. (not that any of them DO that of course!) So, bearing in mind that I have been told by experts that none of my personal experience of reality, as I perceive it, is ‘real,’ I thought that I would share my erroneous perceptions and reactions (‘affects’, which are not feelings like you have) right here on this page, with all of you. This way, you who are not ‘sick’ can enjoy observing and assessing someone who is told she is sick, but who will not accept it.
Of course this is likely just another example of my ‘self importance’ as is my belief that people who are duplicitous actually talk about me behind my back. The ones I ask about it always deny it outright or spin it, telling me this is my thinking and perception problem and not their thinking and behaviour problem. As my labelling psychiatrist asked me, “why would they lie?” That is a good question. Maybe one day these questions will all be answered for me.
In any case, I know that I must not blame any of those ‘others’ so instead, I will just share with all of you, the sane people, what it is really like to be a paranoid delusional whack job like me, by telling you how life is in my own community as crazy me perceives it with my poor sick old brain. No real names will ever be used here.
Now remember I am going to write this “AS IF” this were reality so that those of you who know you are not brain disordered as I am, can really see what it is like to be at the mercy of one’s poor sick brain and yet believe that people actually DO behave this way and that it is in fact very common.
So take the advice of one of my smiling neighbours who states, “Really we should just feel sorry for them (the psychiatrized) and just be glad that we don’t have a disease like that. Unfortunately, we have no place to put them (me) now.”
Remember now, I am just crazy, so I cannot help seeing and hearing what I believe to be true so you musn’t take it personally must you? After all, it is not even real so how COULD I be talking about you? This page should be considered to be educational, sometimes entertaining, like our ‘stories’ about reality often are, and intended to further the understanding about ‘mental illness’ and ‘mental health’ and how to know the difference. It will seem difficult at first since my ‘delusions’ are considered to be ‘plausible.’ (meaning these things COULD happen in real life but of course they don’t, as others would have no reason to behave this way.)
So that being said, if what I say here sounds to you locals like I am talking about YOU, rest assured that I can’t be as you would never behave this way without reason, would you? As long as I don’t confront you personally with my false accusations, no one should have a problem with me. I promise that unless anyone admits, to me personally, that his/her behaviour is real, and not just all in my poor sick mind, I will not be talking to him or her about it at all, but will simply look at him or her, smile and say hello, just like s/he does, or else ignore him/her completely.
But there will be no public scene from me, no threatening people or hollering in the town square.’ My own brand of 'fame seeking’ is more the laid back type of insanity.
To complete my disclaimer here then:
On this page, Any resemblance to any actual persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental or another sign of my inherently defective personality. Therefore, please do not worry that anyone else is ever going to be held in any way accountable for any of it.
Feel free to leave ALL the comments and judgements you like, even arguing amongst yourselves about me, and how crazy I am, excepting; swearing, threatening, or specifically sexual comments, about my paranoid delusions and hallucinated conversations as I really do want the population all over the rest of the world, as well as in my own city, to get a really good sense of what it is really like to be told one is a ‘paranoid delusional disorder’ and to be, frankly, unable to accept that, or to accept being told one is inherently defective as a human being.
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My Paranoid Stories of life in my city will appear here below so do get involved in this educational experience...Don't worry, (not that you would) as no real names will be used here since none of these people are really guilty of anything anyway...so how could they be?
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| Scene from the Neighbourhood |
07/07/2010 |
Apparently out at the mall, they are not very nice to me, or about me. It is the opinion of a neighbour however, delivered with unmistakable contempt, that maybe people would be nicer to me if I was a little more friendly towards them.
How do I know this? It was acted out for me from about ten feet away. I have seen similar performances hundreds of times.
But wait! NO, I haven't either. I only 'believe' that I have because I have a brain disease that causes me to 'think' this happens when 'really' it does not. I am just hallucinating it. Yes that's it. That's it exactly. Really it is just my own projected opinion of myself and no conversations between others are taking place from one to ten feet away, as I told psychiatrists they were. They know that because the invalidation of the experience is written down in the Big Book of Insanity. It cannot be real you see as it would not be reasonable for people who do not even know me to be behaving this way. As we all know, the world is filled to overflowing with reason. If I can't see that, I am obviously crazy. Therefore we must deny it and give it an alternate meaning, preferably one that keeps the reality of the experience locked tightly into my tiny little defective mind so no one else will have to see it.
So when others stand a few feet away and ask each other, why doesn't she do something? Why does she never say anything about it? All I have to do now is follow the interpretations of my experiences as handed to me by experts.
I tell myself: No one is talking about me. No one is saying, why doesn't she do something. No one is talking about my lack of friendliness towards them, or fabricating slanderous stories about me being a thief, or telling tall tales about me being an alcoholic, when I am not, or about being psychic or anything like that; no sir. There was no ‘joke’ or ‘game’ being played here and there is no one on my side and never was, and certainly there would be no 'man' admiring me from afar as we middle aged, to aging, old whack jobs like to imagine from inside the parameters of our personality disorders. I am just imagining the whole thing including all these imaginary conversations from the public. Yes doctor, I can sure see that now, you are the expert who is “always right and never wrong” as is stated inside the est training of a psychiatric nurse I know.
So now that I have spent the last seventeen years being straightened out by psychiatry and the entire population of the city where I live, none of whom see this as I see it, I have learned that I must not speak of my perception problems, and I must not react to anything I only 'think' is happening, by displaying any of those inappropriate affects of mine. I've got it now.
So the next time I think I see groups of people with their heads cocked together, lowering their amused little eyes and talking out of the sides of their duplicitous mouths, I will understand that it is all just a manifestation of my insanity. After all if I cannot trust the combination of authority and group consensus to created and define my reality for me, who or what can I trust? For a fleeting second there, I thought, “I could trust my own experience of reality and my feelings as appropriate, to that perception but then I remembered that I can't, as I have a really serious mental illness/brain disease that causes me to 'think' I know my own ass from a hole in the ground, when really, I don't.
I wish to now thank all of the staff of Homewood Health Centre for changing my life recreating my experience of reality so that my life can be just the way it has turned out today. Thank God that now, as I walk through the streets every day listening to the hallucinations in my mind of bus driver, library opinion, and being called stupid by hospital staff and ugly by their charming children etc. I can know that none of this is really happening or ever was happening, that I just imagined the whole thing and now I can ignore all of those I used to believe were duplicitous bitches and verbally abusive bastards, because they weren't then, and are not now. I only thought, or think they are, because I am crazy. What a relief. Many thanks to all the doctors who heard all the signs and symbols of madness in my 'story' and kept me apart from the rest of the world until I was ready to agree to let go of my false beliefs and embrace theirs instead.
Oh, now you won't take that the wrong way will you?
I wouldn't want to confuse you after all. Not that your confusion is the same as mine. Yours would be legitimate and connected to concrete reality, whereas mine is just an internal pathology, without relationship to any real experience...isn't it? |
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Let's Try and Oldie but a Goodie
This one too was originally stated to the psychiatric hospital staff having them some 'fun' while observing and listening to my reactions to them. I can easily expand it though to include all of the locals everywhere who have involved themselves in what they believe is a 'covert' operation;
“That which you are observing is observing you.”
If you did not need to justify yourselves by needing me to be 'less than,' you would already know that. It is perfectly obvious.
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